


Clocks

by Siddal_Preaker



Series: The Messiah: Deleted/Extended/AU Scenes [3]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Family, Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mental Health Issues, Not Canon Compliant, Psychological Torture, Sleep Deprivation, Slow Dancing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 08:52:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18362705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siddal_Preaker/pseuds/Siddal_Preaker
Summary: The Avengers come together after tragedy strikes to bring down new enemies while Thanos looms closer to one of their own. Forced sleep deprivation from a titan takes its mental toll and the team realizes their friend is in dire need. A hard decision about her place in the Avengers threatens what they've built together. A conversation with Thanos levels the playing field and two souls connect together when it's needed most. Short drabble about mental illness, death, friendship, and hope.Deleted scene from my fic, The Messiah. HUGE MASSIVE ULTRA spoilers from the fic so beware. Character death spoilers. Takes place in between the chapter 37 and 38!





	Clocks

**Author's Note:**

> Huge Spoilers Again! Just this drabble I've been sitting on. I wanted to write some transitional stuff about the Lady's sleep deprivation turning into those black outs and her terrible but intimate relationship to Thanos. I loosely based some of her psychological problems during this time period off encephalitis. So, I wanted to write a scene where she's asked to draw a clock. Also, some major Bucky Barnes fluff because they had such a profound connection. Thanks!

     Time was an illusion in Asgard. Gods never have to worry about it. We are absolute. We try to be at least… Earth, however, it was a stark reminder. Mortality. Flickering souls ready to move on. Charging forth into clouds and fire to be wiped clean then reborn. Recycled into new decaying matter. I heard the ticking every day. It grated on my pulsing skin until veins begged. Rippled calm waters. Eyes slid to Loki across the table, shifting quick fingers along the surface to move images and files about. The lab became alight with holograms while my team gave overlapping opinions.

     “Fantastic Four have this night. We think they located Sandman at last.” Sam spoke at the head of the room. Tony was half seated on a desk, nodding.

     “Janet cracked Vulture’s location. We might get to move in on that soon.” He’d added.

     “Jane had something to add about that,” Janet gestured as I scanned my team. The Avengers were on fire. Things looked up again. Citizens watched the sky for our colors.  _Island of Misfit Toys_ , I recalled with slight amusement that didn’t reach my face.  _Nick Fury’s Clean Up Crew_. Bruce was hunched over a desk typing across the way just behind Tony, he caught my smirk and tilted his head before he fixed his glasses to continue on. I tried to zone in and stay grounded. Stay here with people I loved. I tried to pretend the empty seat next to me was occupied by Steve Rogers. Months fluttered. Time ticked louder without him here. Lack of sleep still took its toll while a titan pried to run fingers over my skin. My brain vibrated in turn. I had to be strong. Hold him back. Fight. Clean the streets. Pretend not to see Steve’s smile in everything. My team needed me, we’d come so far. Made so much progress. I had to touch it. Hold it. Squeezing tighter, I would throttle it if I had to.

     “Sorry, I’m late,” Thor’s soul filled the room when he entered and the stench of it smothered me. My head snapped away when his eyes drew to mine as he continued to speak. Jane waved him to a seat so the meeting went on around me. Hands clasped, I settled my head on my fist and Loki paused to peer at me. Tensing, I exhaled slower and managed to twitch my lips up at him. We loved so hard. So long. Lights grew dim. I was in a fog. Floating. Tumbling. My bones rattled. I blinked and everything pulled to focus. Violent as they did. Lights flashed bright. And then I was gone.

     Gone. Gone. Gone.

     And so I was found.

     Gasping, I shot up. The lab dropped away. Molten rocks and metal. Fog rolled in with stars twinkling so kind and dead. A sanctuary. But, not meant for me. The platforms hovered, completely empty for the first time in months of coming here. Lights fluttered under them. Thanos was not on his throne. He sat with no helmet. Utterly alone. Upon a set of stairs leading down to nothingness. Just the empty vacuum of space before him. It might have been beautiful.

     “Not again,” I huffed and he noticed me across the way. “More threats for me tonight?”

     “I did not pull you in. Not this time. You came willingly. You came to escape them.” His tone vibrated deep.

     “You look melancholic. Lonely. Depressed.” I noted, standing taller. “ _Good_.” Still, I approached him. Nothing to give. Nothing to lose. “No powerful retort. No threats.” Glowing eyes tried to burn me but turned in a sharp motion to the path ahead. Oh no, he didn't get to block me out this time. I was not on his time, he was on mine. “Get up!” I charged him, pushing hard with little avail in all my strength. Cold skin greeted mine. A hand snatched me up by the neck, squeezing when he growled low. “Drop me.” I bared my teeth and he grew lax, dropping me on the steps next to him. Thanos tried to ignore me. Tried to shut me out for the first time. So, I screamed. I got up and screamed with no echo in space. Fists beat on his arms. This titan beast who abused and violated and ruined my existence. Poisoned my soul. Killed my close friend. Burned everyone he touched. Destroyed countless others. I cried and he did nothing.  _Nothing_. Slipping down while my energy left, I wept until I clung to him instead. This monster who made me dependent on his touch. This force that barely allowed me to really touch anyone else but him. “Everything ugly in these nine worlds. The evil growing now. It all floods out from you. You drowned the realms.” Eyes lifted. He knew these words well.

    “It’s easy to blame me. Perhaps, you’re in the right for it. Foolish girl. You’ve touched cruelty greater than mine. You know more will come after this ends.” Thanos just watched me cry and hang off his arm to stay grounded. “Fate is crueler than I’ll ever be.”

    “You gave in. You willed it so. You are  _weak_.” I pulled back and wiped my face. “You try to control fate. You try to court death. You know the cost… You’re the only titan left, are you not? You killed the mother who gave you birth. You created an army. A legacy of traumatized children. And you’re alone.” I was on my feet, in his ear. “This mother… She tried to stop that birth. If only. If only.”

    “My birth was forced by the hands of fate. You were a mere accident.”

    “Will it burn when a mere accident takes you down? What am I to you? Judge. Jury. Executioner… Wife. Lover… Daughter. The last one. Yes. You designed each of us with a specific purpose. Each and every one tumbled from you. Betraying that purpose. The ones who stayed. Sick and weak. You had a favorite. It may hurt my pride but I know it isn’t me.” Thanos looked to me while I instead came forth to gesture to the bright stars. “Look at all that death. Just like your best and favorite stolen children. Twinkling to spite you from a distance.” I breathed in, eyes closing before I looked deeper. “What was her name again?  _Gamora_ …”

    “You will not speak that name to me.”

    “She will be the first one I find after I kill you. I will deliver the news of your death…as if she won’t feel it. They all will feel it. Maybe that’s all you want in this life now. I won’t betray my purpose. You’ve designed me to be equal. To send you to death because only I have touched her. I speak for the dead. It’s why you love me. You think you’re heroic. You covet a heroic death. I will give that to you. Maybe not in full. You’ll get what you deserve. I promise.”

    “You are the last as well. You know deep down. You lived among gods and still you are isolated. Something inside of you is ticking. Only I see it. It burns, Asgardian. The crystalline heart you forged.” Thanos smirked this time. “I long to crush it within my palm when the time comes.”

    “You will get your death…” I was toneless, unblinking. “And then the worlds will spin. Forgetting you. There is so much more beyond those stars. So much you will not see. I will bring the stones together and hide them far away from you. You won’t touch another as long as I draw breath.” Thanos’ arms snapped out this time, cradling my face to bring it closer to his. Feet dragging, I heaved and squirmed with no avail. “There is something out there calling my name. Something that needs me most of all. One day, I’ll hear it over your screams.”

    “So certain. You little fool.” He braced like he might crush my skull but didn’t. Air hitched within my chest to shudder and then I was laughing. Soft and beckoning so he stilled in genuine confusion, dropping me back down on the steps.

    “Every person who abused me…horrific and teetering ex-lovers with life lessons. Yes, I listened well despite it all…and you…I think I’ve learned all I could from you. Does that not fill you with dread? You can’t touch anyone without smothering them. I can’t touch anyone without crumbling under the weight until I’m forged into the shiniest gem. We’re almost perfect, you and I. Almost. The brighter I sparkle and gleam…the more people will flock to bask in that glittering illumination. They take and take from me and I have to let them. And the less you matter. Maybe you secretly want that. You’re boring. I’m the most  _interesting_  thing about you now!”

    “These people who love you so ardently, they take the most.”

    “And these people who love me also give back.” I paused, standing before him. “Love isn’t always an equal exchange but it is fulfilling regardless when both parties understand that. When they try their best to learn and preserve that balance. These things take time but the horrific thing about love is that it is without limits and I have eons to spare. But, you chose fear. Claw and squander but fear has an end. That fact leaves you quaking.”

     “A limit you have not yet reached. Press onward, dear Asgardian.” Thanos ghosted a smile when I came to the ledge and peered back to see his eyes glow.

     “Gladly.” I inhaled again and tipped my head back like I might let myself fall. Something compelled me to smile. So sweet and accepting. “I learned a secret about Death.”

     “Pray tell, what is it?” Thanos came to his feet, towering over me. Undaunted, I let him step closer and squared my shoulders. My smile had not ended before I touched a finger to my lips and let myself fall away from him. Thanos reached to grab me, missed, and let out a genuine cry of repressed rage. Stars fluttered when I closed my eyes and opened them with a jerk in a metal chair.

     “Whoa!” Bruce reeled backwards across from me. “It’s just me.”

     “Did…” A sore spot in my brain pulsed so I rubbed my head. “The meeting?”

     “It ended…four hours ago.” Bruce frowned and a question dawned in his eyes. “You won’t talk to us. He’s pulling you in while awake and it’s getting worse. You haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months.” Being in front of Bruce always lowered my guard. More so than I liked. I pleaded like a child.

     “I just have to hold out a little longer.” I stared at the table, voice small and utterly terrified.

     “I don’t think that ‘a little longer’ means the same thing to Asgardians that it does to humans.” He’d replied, gentler. “Loki…He said… We’re worried about you. You were whispering this time in a language only he and Thor could understand. How long has that been going on?”

     “Everyone chatters in their sleep. All-Tongue must not have translated properly.”

     “Was that what you were doing? Sleeping?” Bruce watched me flare then put a blank paper and pen in front of me. “Can you do something for me?”

     “I can’t play these games with you all any longer. These needless tests are grating on me. While we fuss, Thanos-”

     “I do not care about Thanos, I care about you. Humor the Hulk for me.” Bruce watched me crack a smile, faltering. “Draw a clock.”

     “A clock? Don’t play coy, I know what this is. If the team wishes to take my mind into question, they can rally together and ask whatever they want. I am fine! Focus on the damn mission and give me my space!” I scoffed. “Look, this isn’t-” I grew heated again. “Fine.” Scrambling, I etched a circle and drew each number evenly. Slashing the two hands, I huffed and stood. “A clock for you, I’ll even autograph it.” My signature swiped before I dropped the pen and turned to stalk out. My vision blurred with spots so I rubbed my eyes to be rid of it. The figure standing in the doorway paused, crystal blue eyes flashed into mine. “I don’t appreciate all this fuss, Steve! Let me breathe and back off…I can’t breathe in here. He wants us like this…cast apart like dying stars. Watching us. I learned…a secret…” Muttering, I shuffled off and forgot the men behind me all together. I could have floated.

*** ** **

     “She…” Bucky Barnes tried to pretend he wasn’t completely distraught. Eyes landed on Bruce, mouth agape and peering behind his glasses. “She called me-”

     “I heard it.” Bruce didn’t falter so Bucky didn't have to repeat the name. “Team won’t want to hear this. Loki was right.”

     “What’s this?” Approaching, metal fingers plucked up the paper. A swaying circle with crammed numbers appearing to tumble out of it.

     “I told her to draw a clock.”

     “A clock, huh.”

     “She was so sure it was perfect.” Bruce felt colder and Bucky sat down, solemn. “She signed it.”

      “She wrote…” Bucky tilted his head. “ _Wake up_. Three times.” The words were almost overlapping down the corner of the page. Bruce was already dialing a number, hand on his head.

     “Yes?” Came the muffled response into the phone.

     “She woke up. This is bad. You were right. What do we do next?” Bruce got to the point and Bucky heard Loki’s hitched sigh into the phone.

 _“_ _It’ll break her heart._ ” Bucky found his raw voice, head shaking before either man could speak. The syllables almost didn’t connect properly, airy and thickening. Bruce frowned, nodding and Loki paused for a lingering beat.

     “It shall have to.” Unable to hear the rest, Bucky got up and marched upstairs after their friend.

*** ** **

     Pink and orange hues painted a sky threatening to darken. Rain clouds hovered and I with them. Sighing out, I floated there yards off the ground to watch the day end. City lights began to brighten in turn.

     “Hey.” A throat cleared itself of repressed tears and I pretended not to notice. For as long as I could.

     “Hey.” I peered down at Bucky and made no move to touch the floor. A thin sweater hung from my shoulder and down over a comfortable pair of leggings. “Apologies…I missed the rest of the meeting.” 

     “Sharon always has the notes for you.” He tried to smile so I tried too. “Want to come down?” I thought of falling into Thanos’ arms in tears and how much easier that was than opening up to my close friend. It killed me.

     “In Asgard,” I began with hands clasped to my chest, eyes back to the sky, “we had these amazing festivals.” My arms whirled to create an orb of light between deft fingers. “We’d release these lanterns at the end. You never knew where they ended and the stars began. They connected every realm for a perfect moment of total peace.” I let the light flutter off. “Millions of wishes shared between souls who stood in all walks of life. Friend and enemy. I think…all I need now is one. Asgardians do not live forever. We have a dawn and dusk. We go to war for these realms knowing…one could be our last. Knowing that someday we’ll be a wish against stars too...and, gods above, I just _want to wake up._ ” Lips lifted in a way that was somber. I would not let Thanos be my temple. “I learned a secret about Death.”

     “I’d like to hear it.” Bucky persisted, sniffing once with his eyes glued to me.

     “There is no gate. Between the living and dead. It’s an endless pool. A perfect world made of stardust with a dining hall full of stories to share between friends and foes. There is no end in sight. Death never drags us down. She waits. She wants us to fight. To survive. She is comforted because we all cross over so she never worries. I can point the way across dark waters. Soon, I will take my place with her. Those we’ve lost…the absence of them does not mean they are gone. They paint the sky in bright stars refusing to go out. We’re the lanterns floating to greet them for one singular beat. They point the way home but we have to remember to count them. So we float. High and vast so they remember. Thanos thinks that if a symbol dies, we forget. He thinks we will try. He miscalculated. All he’s done is added a brighter star to our horizon.” I realized now that my feet had touched the floor. “It’s all an equal exchange. Heroes and villains alike. We have to-”

     “Keep moving forward.” Bucky finished and my lips pressed. We shared a beat for Steve’s memory.

     “It seems like a good night for dancing.” I noted.

     “Saying that a lot these days.” He replied, touching the screen on the wall to scroll for a moment before a song swelled. An old track from his time. “Used to go to these dances when I was on the front lines. Dance with a girl I wasn’t sure I was going to live to see again. Share a drink that could be the last with the other guys.” Bucky’s eyes flashed. “You promise me something.”

     “Anything.”

     “Whatever is happening…you don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready. Maybe you’re trying to figure it too. But, you keep fighting. Shouldn’t ask it…it’s asking a lot. Thanos isn’t the center of your world. You’re the center of his. You point to Steve out there in the sky and leave Thanos with nothing. Sounds like Death has similar plans for him. You fight your way back to us, let Steve point the way if you need it. We can meet you halfway and hang on. Don’t you give up…stay right here as much as you can. That monster will know we can do this all year if we have to. You stay with me, got it?” His words overcame everything inside me.

     “Show me how you’d dance.” I was breathless. “Show me how’d you dance…thinking it was the last.” I came to Bucky Barnes without fear in my heart and took his hands to guide him out into the open space between the couches and island counter. He put one of my arms around his shoulders and pressed my free hand in his.

     “Something like this.” Metal fingers touched my hair and gently pressed until my head came to rest just so beneath his chin. We swayed together in tune with the music. Two friends who lost and gained so much. A door opened and we didn’t stop when Tony crossed, probably listening in from his own studies. I opened my arm to let him join the embrace. Natasha, Sam, and Clint found their way to us next with Hank and Janet. We grouped together and swayed while the sky hushed. Jane and Bruce came with Thor and my skin didn’t pulse once. I shared in the comfort of my team. These people I loved so much even still and who loved me in return. A song came to an end and I peered up to see Loki in the doorway with a solemn expression. Unable to stop my tumble from this world into another, I was lost again.

     “Loki,” I hurried and tossed my arms around his shoulders to kiss him like we were young again. Surprised, he pulled from me to take my arms and flickered his eyes to the team once. They felt the air shift. “You’re just in time. They’ll be releasing the lanterns soon. Come, we all have to go watch. I'll wake up soon.”

     “I know you will... Run ahead upstairs without me, sweetheart. I’ll be along in a moment.” He played into it and kissed my head. Genuine glee etched my smile so I was floating again, flitting off and aimless.  _And so forth…_

** ** **

     “You all see it too?” Loki’s jaw twitched, eyes averted and pulled back by force. He watched their emotions sink low. “One moment, she’s here…the next…”

     “It’s getting worse.” Jane frowned. “More sporadic. Unpredictable.”

     “Can’t always pinpoint the exact change. She believes it too much.” Tony added, head shaking. “But, then she opens her mouth and says…” He sighed and couldn’t continue.

     “Banner, show it to me.” Loki approached.

     “It’s…” Bruce wouldn’t lie, producing the paper from his pocket. “It’s bad. Worse than we thought.”

     “She won’t pull back,” Janet remarked, arms crossing when she peered at Hank. “You know she won’t even if we explained it. Even if we tried to show her this. Our teammate is sick and, mission be damned, we can’t let her get worse out there fighting with us.”

     “My wife won’t pull back unless it is forced.” Loki lifted his eyes.

     “We can’t debate this behind her back.” Bucky pushed between everyone.

     “There is not a right way to do this. Not in her eyes.” Thor spoke for the first time, frowning.

     “I suppose we must ask ourselves the only important question of the century, courtesy of your beloved ex-Director Fury.” Loki stood straighter and regarded these mortals he’d grown far too invested in. Souls came together to confront the awful and necessary truth. “What are we prepared to do?”

**Author's Note:**

> Can't leave my characters behind, huh. Same. Thanks for reading another deleted scene! Feel free to leave words!


End file.
